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Coronation Street Monthly Update
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LADIES, AND gentlemen who like this sort of thing,
hang onto your hats as I bring you Commando Sam, the stripper from
Liz McDonald’s hen night. He was butch, big and black and might
have had his boyfriend waiting for him in the back room of the
Rovers but Commando Sam had the Street’s women in thrall.
As Liz straddled the stripper, Vernon went off
with the stags of the Street for a night of Northern Soul at
Rochdale Town Hall. And throughout all the wedding planning, the
stag and hen shenanigans, was Jim McDonald, lurking and biding his
time, hoping to get back into Elizabeth’s good books and under
her duvet. And he almost succeeded. Confused about her feelings
for her fellas, Liz was ready to call off the wedding. She bumped
into Jim in the back yard at the pub and all hell broke loose.
Vernon overheard Jim telling Liz he wanted her back and still
considered her to be his missus so he rushed outside to find out
what was going on. And that, my friends, was Vernon’s mistake
number one. Mistake number two was for Vernon’s wedding outfit
to be white, for white showed up the blood and gristle that Jim
smashed out of Vernon’s skull when he gave him what for. Not
only did Jim beat up the groom, he also knocked out Bob the best
man. With a bloodied Vernon in her arms, Liz’s pity for the poor
bloke helped change her mind and she decided to go through with
the wedding after all. With Vernon covered in blood and Liz in a
right state, the pair of them were pronounced Mr and Mrs Tomlin as
the newlyweds headed back to the Rovers to celebrate with
champagne and 250 vol-au-vents, made by Betty’s fair hands.
As one couple tied the knot, another Street
regular set off for pastures new. Yes, Sarah-Lou-Platt-Grimshaw
left her newlywed husband for a new life in Italy. But Jason isn’t
letting losing his wife spoil things for him back on the Street
and eyes up Becky’s baps in the café.
Mind you, Becky smirted with Harry the new bookie
this week as she had a sly fag outside of the caff. Apparently, to
smirt is the new word for having a flirt while you’re having a
fag. I know someone who smarts.
Over in the Lake District, Corrie’s star crossed
lovers Liam and Maria – ah, what the heck, let’s nickname them
LiaMaria – headed off on holiday. LiaMaria donned funky new
anoraks, and headed off to the peaks with Ozzy the dog. So there
they were, LiaMaria and Ozzy walking along, minding their own
business, enjoying the scenery and admiring the view. The rugged
face, the peak, the scar top, the cleft, Maria admired it all in
Liam’s handsome face until pretty boy fell from the fell. Far
too many tears for one soap ensued and Maria spent the best part
of two episodes in a mascara-streaked tear-fest. The Keswick
Mountain Rescue Team came to their rescue but at the hospital,
there were words that Maria didn’t want to hear when the nurse
told her Liam’s waking words were a heartfelt plea for “his
Carla.” Having spent the week in tears in a bad jumper, Maria
carried on as she started and had another big weep.
Back on the Street, Kevin Webster has been sent to
prison for 28 days for kicking his daughter Rosie’s boyfriend on
the cobbles (ouch). It was all Rosie’s fault of course, she’d
been playing fast and free with her teacher John Stape and when
Kevin found out he lost his temper. As John’s girlfriend Fiz
stood and watched I shouted at the telly: “Kick him, Fiz! Kick
him!”
With a black eye and a broken nose, John tried to
win Fiz back. “I might have been unfaithful with my body,” he
told her about being ensnared by the power of Rosie the minx, “but
I was never unfaithful with my brain.” Women up and down the
country pretended to stick their fingers down their throat and
mimed a throwing up motion on the living room carpet (I know I
did) at this point. We all hoped to high heaven that Fiz would do
the right thing and tell John where to go – the Lake District,
preferably, at the top of a very high and slippery peak, somewhere
that the Keswick Mountain Rescue Team couldn’t get to even if
they wanted.
And finally, David Platt’s new girlfriend
arrived. She’s called Tina McIntyre and has taken on what is
possibly the worst job in soap as love interest for demon David.
She introduced David to Animal Farm and the joys of
drinking vodka while taking away his, um, innocence upstairs in
his bedroom while mum Gail was at work.
Glenda Young
glenda.young@btinternet.com |
