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By Larry Gardner
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Locals Thrilled At
Prince William’s Impromptu Pub Lunch With Pals
LOCALS AT the Bottle and Glass
in Scothern, Lincolnshire, took a double take and drew hard on
their pints of bitter when a familiar looking young man wandered
up to the bar and ordered a pint of Scrumpy Jack and a steak and
ale pie. The familiar face was Prince William, heir to the British
throne. After a few friendly words with regulars, he adjourned to
a table to enjoy his lunch with members of the Red Arrows RAF
crack display team.
“Every-one was stunned when he
walked in,”said manager Kate Williams, who admitted people were a
bit nervous at first.
Prince William was on a flying course at nearby Canwell. There were
no photographers or press to catch the event and the visit went off
without a hitch. Kate called him “ a lovely young man,” and
suggested that an absence of inappropriate and stupid questions from
curious imbibers contributed to a successful lunchtime visit.
Cherry Blossom and Kiwi Slowly
Losing Their Shine
CHERRY BLOSSOM and Kiwi shoe
polish has been on the grocery shelves since leather footwear became
fashionable and affordable at the start of the last century. Spit
and polish, made popular by the British army, with its extraordinary
heavy boots, saw the sales of these two brands reach endemic
proportions. “The shine you could see your face in” and that
marvellous waterproofing affect became a very successful sales
pitch. But apparently, not anymore.The new synthetic creams and
single application products that require little buffing, coupled
with the fact that sneakers and canvas leisurewear is cheaper and
more comfortable than the regular dress shoe, has seen sales of wax
polish collapse in recent years. In 1965, the two brands were on
most people’s grocery list and accounted for 94 percent of footcare
sales. By 2000, it had dropped to 51 percent, and last month, chain
supermarket Asda confirmed that the old fashioned wax polishes in
their traditional circular tins were just 13 percent of their
footcare sales. Asda spokesman Ed Watson feels the “spit and bulling,” that kept the
armed forces in shiny boots has not been passed down over the
generations. The supermarket chain has approached the Army asking it
to reveal its boot polishing secrets, which it will post on its
website in an attempt to revive sagging sales. Many see well-shined
shoes as a sign of pride, discipline and moral fibre. Asda feels
that the era of Cherry Blossom and Kiwi is not over yet.
Brickies
Banned From Whistling At ‘Birds’
TIMES COULD soon change on building sites around Britain. One
leading firm last month banned its bricklayers from wolf-whistling
at women. George Wimpey says the “outdated” tradition has become a distraction
for young househunters. The Bristol-based company outlawed the custom of builders showing
their appreciation of women walking below the scaffolding, for fear
of putting off “savvy and sophisticated” buyers visiting sites.
Sales and Marketing Director Richard Goad told staff in a memo that
Bristol builders would not be able to wolf-whistle from now on.
The ruling currently applies only to the firm’s Bristol sites, but
it could be extended nationwide.
Goad said: “In the 21st century the wolf whistle is out of place.
Our buyers know what they want and the general feeling is that women
won’t stand for being whistled at by builders.
“Similarly, men report finding it insulting when their loved ones
are whistled at and it causes unnecessary tension on what should be
an enjoyable search for a new home.
“The builders I’ve spoken to on all of the sites are happy enough
with the ban. As far as they are concerned, if it encourages more
women to visit our developments, then they think it can only be a
good thing.”
Grunting, Banging Weightlifter Fined For Upsetting Neighbours
WEIGHTLIFTER Giran Jobe works out for two hours every day and when
he does his neighbours get to know about it. His loud grunting and
the thump on the floor when he drops his dumbbells have made the
downstairs residents in this block of flats livid. Doris Fox, 58,
said she couldn’t sleep with all the noise and starting last June
made regular complaints to the police. The local council
investigated and found that his training sessions registered at a
100 decibels. The 36-year-old father of two infringed some 47
breaches of a noise abatement order and continued his grunting and
groaning and slamming down his equipment. At Thanet Magistrates
Court he was fined £70 for exercising too loudly.
“I can’t believe I got taken to court for exercising,” said the
stunned weightlifter, who told the court he doesn’t play loud music
or have parties but is just trying to keep fit. He has since put his
set of 10k dumbbells up for sale and says he’ll do push-ups in
future.
Former Prisoner Seeking
Compensation Meets Derision From Politicians
A FORMER inmate at Blundeston Prison in Suffolk is suing
authorities, saying his human rights were infringed on because he
was made to empty his own toilet bucket. Convicted burglar David
Cornell wants £50,000 in compensation from the Ministry of Justice
for the inhuman and degrading procedure of having to slop out the
pot from under his bunk. Prisoners were kept up to 14 hours a day in
their cells, claimed Cornell, and when the electronic sanitation
system broke down, emergency chamber pots were provided. This
produced a disgusting odiferous situation within the confines of the
cell complained Cornell.
Bob Russell the Liberal-Democrat MP for Colchester said the claim
should be treated with “contempt,” while the Conservative MP for
Suffolk, Richard Spring, said, “It makes a mockery of the system.”
Richard Spring recalled the situation in the US where prisoners
regularly sue authorities and said Britain should not encourage such
litigious behaviour.
Chubby Tourist Kids Won’t Be Allowed On Seaside Donkey Rides
OVERWEIGHT TOURISTS and very plump children will no longer be able
to take that traditional donkey ride on the beach. Donkeys
staggering under the weight of corpulent vacationers who consider
such a recreation as part and parcel of the average postcard British
holiday have always raised the ire of animal rights activists. The
British Equine Vets Association, in co-operation with the Donkey
Sanctuary, have laid down guidelines that anyone over eight stone
(112lbs) will not be allowed to take a donkey ride whatsoever.
Blackpool mayor Peter Callow has instructed the operators of donkey
rides at the pleasure beach that such rules will be abided by.
Chubby children over the weight limit will not be allowed to ride,
whether parents are offended or not.
Blackpool has 200 such animals plying the sandy beaches and has
fervently regulated the upkeep of the creatures over the years. Each
animal is given a yearly physical before the tourist season
commences.
There was a time you could get a donkey ride on most Britain’s
beaches, but now the silver-haired beasts are down to around 800.
Donkeys can live to fifty years old under the right conditions, and,
contrary to opinion, the animal is remarkably intelligent with a
tremendous memory for remembering people and places.
Bucks Folk Have Best Lives, While Isle Of Wight Is Warmest
A SURVEY by the Halifax Building Society has revealed that people
who live in Buckinghamshire have the best quality of life in
Britain. Residents have the highest life expectancy in Britain, they
earn the top salaries in the nation and 77 percent of them own their
own homes. They are better educated with GCSE passing results over
the national average, and, on top of that, the county gets more
sunshine per year than any other. The report looked at employment,
earnings, crime, weather, education and health. Surrey was second in
the quality of life survey, with Berkshire third. Wales’ Vale of
Glamorgan topped the Welsh list, with east Dumbartonshire heading
the Scottish counties. The richest people in Britain live in
Kensington and Chelsea, where salaries averaged £62,000. The Isle of
Wight was the warmest place in Britain and Cambridgeshire was the
driest. Worcestershire, Midlothian and Oxfordshire had the highest
employment rates, with more people working per capita per
population.
Ancient Rome And Greece Inspire Family’s Names
SARAH, BRITTANY, Anne, Michelle and boys names Matthew, Jason,
Michael and Charles are popular Christian names amongst new parents,
but not with the Romeao family from Canton in Cardiff. Tony, 51, and
his wife Elaine, 36, have much more imagination and have looked back
to the ancient heroes of Rome and Greece to name their children.
Their eldest is Romeo Casanova Valentino, 12, and then there is
Venus Valentino, 11, and 10-year-old Angel Aphrodite. There are also
two toddlers, Ise Ise, and Achilles Spartacus Mars. A sixth child is
due soon and the Romeaos have already decided to name him after
three Roman emperors, Caesar Augustus Constantine.
“There’s enough boring normality in the world, so we decided to draw
inspiration from Roman, Greek and Egyptian history,” explained
Elaine.
Schoolteachers react curiously when first introduced to the Romeaos
children, but, apparently, have long since accepted the unusual
names of the students. The children have been informed of the
historical meanings and backgrounds of their particular names and
are quite happy, says mum. She does admit, however, that she can’t
find mugs or pencils with their names inscribed on them, but thinks
it’s a small price to pay.
John Now Has An Eye For Life – After 50 Years
A FORMER firewatcher who was blinded in one eye during a Luftwaffe
raid on Clydeside in 1941 is now able to see after a remarkable
operation at Glasgow’s Southern General Hospital. John Gray, 87, had
lived with one good eye for 66 years, but when the sight in that eye
started to deteriorate, doctors decided to take a look at his bad
eye. Dr Ian Bryce removed the scar tissue and replaced it with a new
artificial lens, but there was concern that the brain would not
remember to see through the eye after all this time. But the brain
and the new eye are adjusting, and after just a few weeks, he can
read the classified ads and is qualified to take the sight exam of a
driving test.This procedure was not possible back in the 1940s. John
says his surgeon and optometrist deserve knighthoods. He is
presently getting used to his first set of bi-focals.
“I couldn’t be more pleased,” he said. “I’ve got vision and I can
read to a certain extent.”
Court Fines Man For Inappropriately ‘Hanging Out’ Near School
Children
WHEN PIGEON fancier David Batchelor ventured out to his coop to feed
his birds, he was unaware his thong underwear was on back to front
and his genitalia was hanging out. But other residents in the Perth
neighbourhood were not amused. Their children were coming home from
the local school and police were called. Batchelor, 58, had still
not fixed his underwear when they arrived, and police determined he
was drunk and he was arrested.
At Perth Sheriff Court, his lawyer pleaded the exposure was not
sexually premeditated and that his client was just drunk. Asked why
he did it, Batchelor replied, “I don’t know.” He was fined £150 and
bound over to keep the peace.
Parrot Passing The (Vulgar) Word
BARNEY THE macaw is well-known for his foul language after telling a
vicar to f*** off a while back, but now the vociferious bird’s
vernacular sees him teaching other birds how to swear – much to
visitor’s disgust at Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary.
His most shocking outburst was when he told a mayoress, a vicar and
two police officers ‘where to go’ and then called them ‘w*****s’ at
the Sanctuary in Nuneaton.
The seven-year-old macaw has now been spreading his obscene
vocabulary to two other parrots, Sam and Charlie, at the centre.
Owner Geoff Grewcock said: “It sounds like a builders’ yard
sometimes when we come in here, what with all the abuse flying
about. They just sit there swearing at each other now, all kind of
foul language – it’s unbelievable.”
Grewcock added: “These birds can live until they are 70 so there are
potentially another 60 years of this to contend with.” |
