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TO PARAPHRASE that old Cockney film director
Woody Allen from his film, Annie Hall: “A man goes into his
psychiatrist’s office and says, ‘Doc, you gotta help me. My brother
thinks he’s a chicken.’ The doctor says, ‘Just tell him he’s not a
chicken.’ And the patient says, ‘We would tell him, but we need the
eggs.’ And so it is with love and relationships. They’re difficult
and tortured, but we keep going through it all because, we need the
eggs.”
True, but some residents of Albert Square
seriously need to get their cholesterol checked ... Stacy and
Bradley are moving along in fits and starts (how can he resist that
charming scowl of hers?) That is, until he decides to propose to her
out in the Square, and she is about to say no until she sees the
lights go on Max’s house – they’re back from Spain – and she says
yes to make him jealous. Max immediately sets out to seduce Stacy.
He used to have her over-easy, but now she ain’t ’avin it. Tonya
ain’t ’aving it neither. So, poor randy Max, who’s used to getting
two for the price of one, is reduced to attempting to pick up
strange women in the Cafe. No dice. He is also trying very hard to
convince anyone who will listen to try to break up Bradley and
Stacy.
Elsewhere ... Lonely schoolboy Jay tries to fit
in with the tough kids by yelling a racist taunt at Yolande in the
street. Also, his long lost dad reappears and so granddad Bert
disappears ... Dawn is tired of motherhood already and leaves the
baby’s care to anyone who’s handy, mostly Keith ... Kevin and Denise
are hoping to buy a house of their own in the Square (there’s one up
for auction), unaware that Denise is about to lose her job due to
her phantom boss showing up from out of nowhere and training her
young daughter to take Denise’s place ... And now to the Mishegas of
the Month Club: This month’s selection, The Impending Nuptuals of
Phil and Stella. It is preordained that, like every other couple in
Walford, eventually they will get divorced. But will they actually
get down the aisle?? Ben has been away at football camp and he comes
home with a new confidence and a determination to not let Stella’s
abuse continue. But Stella has other plans, and soon he is back
under her thumb. She is still demanding that he not speak with Abi,
but when Tonya talks to Peggy, she tells her to have Ben over for
dinner, where Ben (who has his signals scrambled) tells Abi what the
world is really like, and what her parents will do to her when she
starts to grow up (as relayed to him by cracked Stella). Convinced,
Abi agrees to run away with him. But they don’t get far and soon
they’re both in trouble – though Abi’s parents explain to her that
what Ben had told her is all wrong (though she never tells them what
made her think such crazy things). But not as much trouble as
hardboiled Phil is in. He doesn’t love Stella and feels pushed to
get married by Mummy Dearest, and the thought that it will give Ben
a more stable home, (omelettes anyone?).
And before you can say ‘round the twist,’ the
wedding day is upon us. Abi tries to see Ben to tell him he’s got it
all wrong and he should tell his dad. But Stella overhears and tells
him, as she digs her nails into his chest, that if he ruins things
for her she’ll smother him in his sleep and his father will find him
dead in the morning. She drags him to the gallows (aka the church),
where Phil and family await. When the vicar asks that question, “If
anyone here can see just cause why these two should not be joined in
holy matrimony, please speak now,” and, after a long pause, Ben
stands up and says, “Can anyone help me?” all hell breaks loose.
While Phil takes Ben out for a chat (where he
finally spills the beans about what Stella has been doing, and Phil
sees his bloody shirt under his jacket), Stella frantically asks the
vicar if they are legally married yet. No yoke. When it becomes
obvious that the jig is up, Stella runs out of the chuch, with Phil
in hot pursuit, steals the Rolls, and drives away. She heads to the
Vic, then runs off again, leaving a confused Square in her wake
(including Ian who thinks Phil musta done summink to her). Phil and
Stella end up on the roof of an abandoned warehouse where after a
confrontation she does a Humpty Dumpty off the edge and lands, dead,
on the bonnet of the Rolls (that driver is never going to get his
deposit back now). After all the confused wedding guests reassemble
at the Vic, the Mitchells, in a pickle, won’t tell anyone, not even
Ian, about the abuse, so they all jump to their own conclusions.
Then the old Bill come a calling, and Phil confesses to the whole
Square that he killed Stella. But there is a CCTV tape that shows
that she clearly jumped, so they let him go. Meanwhile, Phil,
wracked with guilt, takes up drinking again ... Sigh. It’s eggxactly
as I said: Get that cholesterol checked!! (And switch to muesli.)
Are you living in the Minneapolis area and
looking for a good excuse for a knees-up with other EastEnders
fans? Well look no further than the Albert Square Fan Club, who are
having a Guy Fawkes Party on Sunday, November 4 at 12 noon:
Featuring a full buffet (maybe eggs!). For more information, just
visit their club site:
www.geocities.com/mnasfc.
And, as always, to keep up with all things
EastEnders, just sign up for the Launderette Ladies’ FREE,
weekly e-newsletter. To do so, just email us at:
dgishcabibble20@aol.com.
Signed, Your Faithful Reporter,
Deborah Gilbert AKA Ishcabibble |
