TO PARAPHRASE that old Cockney film director Woody Allen from his film, Annie Hall: “A man goes into his psychiatrist’s office and says, ‘Doc, you gotta help me. My brother thinks he’s a chicken.’ The doctor says, ‘Just tell him he’s not a chicken.’ And the patient says, ‘We would tell him, but we need the eggs.’ And so it is with love and relationships. They’re difficult and tortured, but we keep going through it all because, we need the eggs.”

True, but some residents of Albert Square seriously need to get their cholesterol checked ... Stacy and Bradley are moving along in fits and starts (how can he resist that charming scowl of hers?) That is, until he decides to propose to her out in the Square, and she is about to say no until she sees the lights go on Max’s house – they’re back from Spain – and she says yes to make him jealous. Max immediately sets out to seduce Stacy. He used to have her over-easy, but now she ain’t ’avin it. Tonya ain’t ’aving it neither. So, poor randy Max, who’s used to getting two for the price of one, is reduced to attempting to pick up strange women in the Cafe. No dice. He is also trying very hard to convince anyone who will listen to try to break up Bradley and Stacy.

Elsewhere ... Lonely schoolboy Jay tries to fit in with the tough kids by yelling a racist taunt at Yolande in the street. Also, his long lost dad reappears and so granddad Bert disappears ... Dawn is tired of motherhood already and leaves the baby’s care to anyone who’s handy, mostly Keith ... Kevin and Denise are hoping to buy a house of their own in the Square (there’s one up for auction), unaware that Denise is about to lose her job due to her phantom boss showing up from out of nowhere and training her young daughter to take Denise’s place ... And now to the Mishegas of the Month Club: This month’s selection, The Impending Nuptuals of Phil and Stella. It is preordained that, like every other couple in Walford, eventually they will get divorced. But will they actually get down the aisle?? Ben has been away at football camp and he comes home with a new confidence and a determination to not let Stella’s abuse continue. But Stella has other plans, and soon he is back under her thumb. She is still demanding that he not speak with Abi, but when Tonya talks to Peggy, she tells her to have Ben over for dinner, where Ben (who has his signals scrambled) tells Abi what the world is really like, and what her parents will do to her when she starts to grow up (as relayed to him by cracked Stella). Convinced, Abi agrees to run away with him. But they don’t get far and soon they’re both in trouble – though Abi’s parents explain to her that what Ben had told her is all wrong (though she never tells them what made her think such crazy things). But not as much trouble as hardboiled Phil is in. He doesn’t love Stella and feels pushed to get married by Mummy Dearest, and the thought that it will give Ben a more stable home, (omelettes anyone?).

And before you can say ‘round the twist,’ the wedding day is upon us. Abi tries to see Ben to tell him he’s got it all wrong and he should tell his dad. But Stella overhears and tells him, as she digs her nails into his chest, that if he ruins things for her she’ll smother him in his sleep and his father will find him dead in the morning. She drags him to the gallows (aka the church), where Phil and family await. When the vicar asks that question, “If anyone here can see just cause why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, please speak now,” and, after a long pause, Ben stands up and says, “Can anyone help me?” all hell breaks loose.

While Phil takes Ben out for a chat (where he finally spills the beans about what Stella has been doing, and Phil sees his bloody shirt under his jacket), Stella frantically asks the vicar if they are legally married yet. No yoke. When it becomes obvious that the jig is up, Stella runs out of the chuch, with Phil in hot pursuit, steals the Rolls, and drives away. She heads to the Vic, then runs off again, leaving a confused Square in her wake (including Ian who thinks Phil musta done summink to her). Phil and Stella end up on the roof of an abandoned warehouse where after a confrontation she does a Humpty Dumpty off the edge and lands, dead, on the bonnet of the Rolls (that driver is never going to get his deposit back now). After all the confused wedding guests reassemble at the Vic, the Mitchells, in a pickle, won’t tell anyone, not even Ian, about the abuse, so they all jump to their own conclusions. Then the old Bill come a calling, and Phil confesses to the whole Square that he killed Stella. But there is a CCTV tape that shows that she clearly jumped, so they let him go. Meanwhile, Phil, wracked with guilt, takes up drinking again ... Sigh. It’s eggxactly as I said: Get that cholesterol checked!! (And switch to muesli.)

Are you living in the Minneapolis area and looking for a good excuse for a knees-up with other EastEnders fans? Well look no further than the Albert Square Fan Club, who are having a Guy Fawkes Party on Sunday, November 4 at 12 noon: Featuring a full buffet (maybe eggs!). For more information, just visit their club site: www.geocities.com/mnasfc.

And, as always, to keep up with all things EastEnders, just sign up for the Launderette Ladies’ FREE, weekly e-newsletter. To do so, just email us at: dgishcabibble20@aol.com.

Signed, Your Faithful Reporter,
Deborah Gilbert AKA Ishcabibble